Letters to Nobody
by ChasingRainbows90
Summary: A series of letters written by Mo.
1. Letter One

**I probably shouldn't keep writing new fanfics but ideas keep deciding to infiltrate my brain and not leave (I think it's because I should be doing college work!). I'm not entirely sure I've got Mo's voice right but I hope it's ok. I'm also sorry this part is quite short - the parts are longer after this one. As usual I love reviews, and am grateful to anyone reading. **

Dear Nobody,

I probably shouldn't call you that but I don't even know that you exist yet. When we saw you, you were just a bundle of cells waiting to be implanted inside me but we don't know if you took. We don't know if you decided to set up camp in my womb.

I hope that you do. I've tried my best to make it hospitable for you – even though the medications may have turned me in to something of a psycho – though I guess that makes little difference to you. Still you'd better like it in there, little nobody.

Little nobody, you can't know how much your mum wants you. Everything she'd been through to get to this point, to you a tiny bundle of cells nestled somewhere inside of me. If you stick around, you'll be so loved. You're already loved by her; her love for you multiplies just as your cells are doing. Just the idea of you is burrowed deep within her heart, waiting until she can finally hold you in her arms.

So please little one, nestle yourself within me. Grow and develop for her.

Yours,

Mo


	2. Letter Two

**Hopefully this is ok. Admittedly I appear to have written the entirety of this fic today - which is somewhat unusual for me (though it is very good for procrastination). **

Dearest Nobody,

Well done – you did it!

We had the positive test result this morning. I'm quite proud of you, oh little bundle of cells. I hope you are finding it quite nice in my womb. I'm trying to supply all of the things that you need in order to grow – and your mum is making sure I behave myself (not that I do anything else) because you oh tiny being are very precious.

So here we are. Officially pregnant. Ah little nobody, this is going to be the start of an interesting journey for us so I thought that perhaps we should establish some little ground walls; after all you are setting up home inside me for nine months so my little lodger I thought some formality is in order.

Number 1 – as I do actually have a job and a life I would appreciate if you could limit the sickness you cause me. I will accept a degree of morning sickness however please can you keep it in the morning preferably before I start my shift; or if I am working nights after.

Number 2 – please can you try not to cause me too many mood swings. I am already getting a bit of a reputation as a psycho, I do not want to add emotional wreck to this or indeed raving lunatic. If you could allow me to just keep to how I was before, I would appreciate it.

Number 3- Food! I like food but can you please not cause me to crave things that I don't normally like. Feel free to crave things that I do actually enjoy though as I feel that these few months we will be spending together should be a time when I can indulge myself – especially if it's dear Jonny who has to run out and get me things.

Number 4 – and this one is important. Please limit the number of scares you give me, I would prefer 0 if possible. That means causing me no unexplained cramping or bleeding and no periods of reduced fetal movements. I will accept that you will get tired and therefore move less, but when I engage in the tricks like surgery food and cold drinks I expect a response from you.

Number 5- Another important one although it's not really relevant yet unless linked with previous conditions of your tenancy. When I sleep, you sleep. Equally if I am operating I would appreciate you not kicking me around too much. But on the sleep issue. I value my sleep – and I don't really want to be up all night because you've decided to throw yourself a little house party in there.

So little lodger as you are already moved in, I'm going to accept these conditions on your behalf. I reserve the right to amend them and add further terms as the term progresses.

So here's to us.

Yours,

Mo


	3. Letter Three

**I hope this is ok and I am grateful to any readers and reviewers :)**

Dear Nobody,

I think we are starting off on the wrong foot here. I am sure I specified that we were going to limit the sickness that you cause me – yet you seem to be in breach of this.

Jonny has already guessed that the test result was positive. I was trying to hold off on telling him because I know what he's like. He's started fussing round me (us?) like an old mother hen. I've told him to lay off a little because I don't want everyone getting suspicious.

But he's a good man. I think he's more worried about me than he's letting on, but I keep telling him I'm fine. I don't think he means the sickness though; not really. I think he's worried about how this will pan out, the fact that come the end of this I'll have to hand you over to your mum and I'll go back to just being me.

But I'm trying not to think about it quite like that. I'm trying to think of you as a little lodger. You're not really a part of me, just a guest who'll be here for a time before you go on to where you are supposed to be. I guess for now that's easier because other than this sickness, you are barely noticeable. Nobody would know that you exist unless I told them. You're a little secret hidden away.

Anyway about this sickness, little nobody. I don't quite know what you're playing at but this game is definitely not fun for me. It's not so bad at home, hugging the toilet bowl at stupid hours despite the fact it has been termed 'morning' sickness. But it is much less fun having to pull over when driving to work because you've suddenly decided to churn my stomach. Thankfully at work you have at least given me warning enough to make it to the ladies.

So if you could improve on this a little, I would be most grateful. I will be supplying you with a copy of my work schedule – I will read it aloud to you as I don't quite fancy eating paper – which I hope you will memorise. Even though your brain is still development and you are probably only really making little movements, I feel that this is still a reasonable request.

Now that we've had this talk little nobody, I hope you will try your best.

Yours,

Mo


	4. Letter Four

**I hope this is ok and thank you to anyone who is reading, and who reviews. **

Dear Nobody,

Ah little nobody we are now somewhat official. We have seen your squirmy little self on an ultrasound and you are indeed looking somewhat human – so congratulations. Your mum tells me you are about the size of a kiwi fruit which to me seems pretty damn tiny especially when I've started to have problems doing up my trousers. Though thankfully as yet nobody, beyond Jonny, has worked out that you exist. I hope to keep it that way a little longer though I'm sure the rumours will increase ten-fold after that. I can almost hear them now "just imagine it, her a doctor and not knowing she was pregnant".

I think that's something I'm scared of, people knowing. I know I'm doing something good for your mum, and I'm happy for her because you are someone she's dreamed of for a long time. But people won't see that. They won't see that there's another mum, waiting for you. In their eyes, I will be your mum because I am the person in whose womb you grow. And I don't want people to see me as mum.

It's not that I wouldn't want a baby – and I'm sure you will be very cute and lovely – but you are not mine. And I don't want to get attached to you. I'm sorry to admit, I had to turn away from watching you on the screen, because it made you seem more real, the fact you are within me.

But when people start to talk, that's when I know problems will start because they will ask me questions about you, questions I can't really answer. These questions will make you even more real. Maybe I should run away and hide for the months that I have left to carry you. Away from prying eyes and gossip, but that would be cowardly and besides months away could prove disastrous for my career. So we will carry on and hope.

I do owe you though little nobody. You have at the very least lessened the sickness you cause me though I could have done without those oh-so-fun incidences you decided to inflict on me. The memory of throwing up outside of boots on a Saturday afternoon is one that I probably won't forget in a hurry nor am I in any hurry to relive nearly throwing up on Jonny when he decided to take me out to celebrate. I don't think Jonny's in any hurry with that one either – poor man.

And in other news, I'm no longer feeling like I've been run over by a bus in terms of exhaustion. I know I was stupid not to include 'not zapping Mo's energy' in the agreement we made. So from this point on consider it point number 6.

So here's to our second trimester.

Yours

Mo


	5. Letter Five

Dear Nobody

I think the jig may be up. There's been comments made about how I appear to be glowing and we all know that's code for "she's up the duff". Jonny tells me that it's true that I am glowing like a pregnant lady and your mum informs me that it's because of changes in my blood flow and volume. Jonny's explanation is much ruder.

And little one you are becoming not so little. Ok so in the grand scheme of things you are fairly little, you are having quite an effect on my abdomen. So even if I didn't have the lovely glow you've given me, my expanding uterus would probably be giving me away anyway. So you are not so much of a secret any more – even though I've yet to give any sort of official confirmation.

I may not even bother. You've done a good enough job of growing inside me that it'll be obvious enough anyway that I won't even bother having to say the words. Or I'll let Jonny do it. Chances are if I keep tight lipped, people will ask him anyway and Jonny isn't really a skilled liar. His face tends to give him away – or maybe I just know his signs of lying too well.

I think Jonny's struggling with this whole situation to be honest. He doesn't mind your mum – most of the time – but I think he's a tiny bit jealous because I have this connection with her in the form of you and he doesn't really feel a part of it. I'm trying to involve him but it's difficult because I don't want him getting attached to you – anymore than I want to get attached.

Still we're getting there. We've made it 14 weeks together. We've survived Christmas and New Year (a sober New Year which was rather depressing – particularly having to rescue a rather drunk Jonny). I hope little nobody you never get yourself in a state like that. Your mum will kill you!

But if you do make sure you've got a good friend who'll rescue you. Sometimes I don't know what he'd do without me. Actually I don't think I want to know.

Until next time little nobody

Mo


	6. Letter Six

**I hope this is ok and thank you to those who are reading**

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little nobody,

You really are a naughty little bean aren't you? Don't get me wrong, I am very relieved that you are alright but that dash to maternity was not something I enjoyed.

I don't think you realise how much of a scare you gave me. It had started off as such a lovely shift. Patients who didn't really want much doing and Jonny was in a particularly good mood so we were bouncing off each other and just having a bit of a laugh. It seems like ages ago we had a proper good bonding session – not that I'm placing any blame on you it's just that for someone so very small you have managed to push us a part a little.

So when you suddenly decided, that I needed to endure some absolutely agonising cramps, I was far from impressed. Not least because we are still in the land of is she / isn't she in terms of my colleagues. Now I will say your little act has rather pushed me and Jonny back to where we were but could you not have found an easier way?

So there's me doubled over in agony, praying to a higher being that everything is ok with you, and Jonny is fluffing around like a headless chicken. He's quite a sight when he's in a state of panic though due to the pain, I couldn't enjoy it. Normally it would be the source of teasing. Still he managed to get himself together enough to push me in a wheelchair and take me on a white knuckle ride to maternity. Seriously little nobody Jonny should not be trusted pushing a wheelchair when he's in a state of panic. I think I'd have been safer walking.

But we got down there and we got seen to quite quickly. It must have been civilised down there too. It felt strange, gripping Jonny's hand as the midwife tried to locate your heartbeat. She said you were being difficult – and didn't I know it. In the end we had to have a scan to make sure you were alright in there because you were being naughty for the sonicaid.

It was strange seeing you without your mum there. I know she gets to see you again in a few weeks but it felt wrong somehow. You're looking so much more human now. I know that's harsh but you actually have a little human face. Your eyes are actually where they are supposed to be!

And your little heart was beating. It was beautiful to see it there, to watch it for those minutes confirming that you were still very much with us. I think I am failing in my quest not to become attached to you. As I watched you I felt tears of relief fill my eyes. Jonny was the same bless him. I think you are much more real to him as well now.

Please don't do that to us again little nobody.

From

Mo


	7. Letter Seven

**I hope this is ok - and due to the fact it is really short (this fic probably has the shortest parts, I've ever written) I'll probably post Letter Eight up as well**

Well hello there little nobody,

Today for the first time we've really been able to feel your movements. A few times over the last week or so I've wondered, if that little thing I felt was actually you but today there was no doubt. It really was you. It must be a bit more entertaining for you in there now. Your mum informs me that you can now make a full range of movements like sucking and yawning. And now you're moving your arms and legs around as well. That almost makes you seem like a real baby and not just a little foetus. Jonny thinks I'm a little bit insane but he was kind of amused to feel you moving a little bit.

In a few days we get to see you again. This time though your mum gets to come so I hope that you'll behave and show off for her. No being all shy now little nobody. Your mum deserves a little show from you.

She's been trying to ask my opinion on whether she should find out if you're a girl or a boy. I told her that it isn't my place really. If you were mine, I think I know what I'd do. But you're not mine and I don't want to influence her decision.

She's only trying to involve me, and I'm torn about it. On the one hand, you growing inside of me is becoming a massive part of my life and it only seems right that I should be consulted on issues related to you. But on the other hand you are not mine – and I have no right to make decisions related to you or even to really have an opinion. Having an opinion makes me feel like I am attaching even more of myself to you, little nobody and I fear I may be getting in too deep.

Feeling you move and knowing that you live within me is getting to me. I keep replaying the scan in my mind, seeing your heart beating and remembering the fear I felt for you.

I'm so conflicted little nobody.

Yours

Mo


	8. Letter Eight

**Having rewatched From Here to Maternity; I've come to realise that perhaps they didn't know the baby's gender prior to the birth. However I am retconning that :D I hope this part is ok and thank you to anyone who is reading (and for reviews)**

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Dear little nobody,

Or perhaps I should now call you master Nobody given you left us without any doubt that you are in fact male. Dear child you may need to work on your modest because you are most definitely not shy. The sonographer didn't even bother asking because well unless you have a rather interesting extra limb, you are most definitely a boy. Well at the very least you did take away the issue of your mum having to make a decision so well done.

It was strange seeing you again. But it was nice too. You are still growing and developing as you should. Your organs all look to be normal and you are doing everything that is expected of you. So I'm giving you a gold star, oh clever little foetus.

Not that it is really that much work for you. In fact I think it is probably my body that is doing a lot of the work so I think I deserve a gold star too. My body is preparing for you. Jonny keeps joking about the size of my breasts and I fear that one of these days I may actually kill him. I think he's just trying to keep my spirits up but it makes me feel a little bit sad. My boobs are preparing themselves to be able to feed you, to nurture you once you are born in to this world. Only they won't. This milk I am making for you is destined never to be drunk by you.

It's one of the things I hadn't even really thought about; the fact that my milk would come in for you. I only really thought of the logistics of carrying you within my womb, but not what that would cause in my body beyond the increased girth.

I know, I know little nobody I am a doctor and therefore these things should have occurred in my head but they didn't. I tried to keep things simple, but now I'm coming to realise that they are far from simple. You are more than just a bundle of cells in a petri dish.

You are real. A little boy who, in a few weeks time, should you arrive early would be considered viable. In a few months time, you will be born and instead of being passed to me you will be placed in your mum's arms and taken away from me.

She will have you to love, and in return she will have your love. And me I'll be left with milk and hormones and empty arms. This has suddenly become a lot harder, little nobody – because suddenly you are not such a nobody anymore.

Mo


	9. Letter Nine

**Thank you to everyone who is reading this :) and to those reviewing as I love reading the reviews :)**

Dear nobody

You're not making this easy for me are you? You're reacting more now and that makes you seem realer. Every day you become more of a person and less of an idea. I'd rather you didn't but apparently there's no turning back now.

It's incredible how like a person you are despite the fact you live inside of me. Loud noises make you startle, which was amusing the first few times. Unfortunately working in a hospital, you startle often; though maybe that is because I startle too. The sound of an emergency bell causes me to jump and so you do to. We are so connected you and I.

But oh how that scares me, this connection between the two of us. Little baby boy for the past 26 weeks you have been living within me, growing and developing. Your little eyelids are opening now. Up until this point they've been fused tightly shut but now you can look around your little home. You can blink now and if we shine a light in to my abdomen sometimes we can make you turn towards it. It's one of Jonny's favourite games.

He's getting terrible is Jonny. I think he's getting more attached to you than he's letting on. He touches the rounded mound of my abdomen trying to get you to kick or hit him. He likes trying to make you react to his presence. You arouse his curiousity; the little being growing inside me.

I don't think he realises though how that makes it more difficult to me. The fact that he tries to play games with you; the unborn. You have become a part of our lives and our friendship but soon you will not be there. I know he will miss you; though not as much as I will.

I wonder sometimes if you'll miss me. In the darkness, late at night, as you squiggle around inside me not yet ready for sleep. In those moments, I wonder how I'll feel when I can no longer feel your movements, the little signs that let me know that you are alright. But for you, things will be different. You will have arms to hold you when you cry, a soft voice to sing you lullabys, to comfort and soothe you. I suppose you will have no need to miss me because you'll have your mum.

We're coming to the end of our time together little nobody. Next week we come in to the third trimester. The home straight.

We're nearly there.

Mo


	10. Letter Ten

**I can't believe I nearly have all of this posted :) There's three parts left (Thirteen letters total). Thank you to any reading / review :)**

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Dear Nobody

I think we may need to drop the little, you are a proper little chunk now. Ok so in reality you're probably not even 3lbs yet but you feel like you weight a ton. No offence of course but seriously you are getting heavy. My back has been giving me hell over the last few weeks – and I am fairly certain that you are the cause.

I'm hoping you decide to give my back a bit of a break because we're going on a bit of a new adventure. When I say we I really mean me and Jonny – you are just coming along for the ride, for a short time. We are moving to a news hospital, to form a new transplant team. It's a fantastic opportunity for us – and I know I'm very lucky they've taken me on. Because I'm a risk – because of you.

But we'll do this and it'll be fine. Poor Jonny has been having a bit of a hard time recently. I think people have some strange ideas about us. I think they think you are his. Then again he does nothing to stop the rumours, really. I think it flatters him a little. He's been sent on a people skills course though, bless him. I still don't quite get why and he's being a little evasive. I have a suspicion it may be partly my (our?) fault.

I hope things go well for us in Holby. I've heard rumours about some of the staff there, and I'll be honest I'm not sure how truthful they can be. Quite honestly, though, it sounds like quite an interesting place. Never a dull moment by all accounts – so I guess we'll fit right in. I just hope that Jonny doesn't end up losing his heart to one of the people I have heard stories about. She sounds like the type of women he'd fall for, and the type of women who'd destroy him.

I know it's selfish but I'm going to need Jonny. I don't want someone to destroy him, just at the time when I need him most. But I cannot predict the future, and so we shall see what happens.

For now my little vernixy friend, please give my back a bit of a break, and in return I'll try to stop Jonny trying to wake you up during your restful periods.

From

Mo


	11. Letter Eleven

**Thank you to Wiggles247 for pointing out I'd managed to re-post Letter Ten as Letter Eleven. This is the actual Letter Eleven :) I hope it's ok **

Dear Nobody,

We are so close to the end. Welcome to month eight. It is nearly time for you to be evicted. Please give me a quick easy, labour baby boy. I'd really appreciate it. We've decided to go for as natural a birth as we can and so if you can try to make it hurt as little as possible I'd be grateful.

Though if these lovely Braxton hicks you keep giving me are any indication, I'm guessing labour isn't going to be a walk in the park. I'm hoping you'll let up with these false contractions soon because they just aren't fun for me. Maybe they offer you some sort of entertainment?

I wonder what it's like for you in there. I'm guessing it's getting a little cramped now. From that tiny bundle of cells you've grown in to almost a full sized baby and space, for you, is getting a lot less. I can feel it in the way you move. I can see you moving now. When you kick or punch against the walls of your home, I can see that movement in my bump. Jonny jokingly tries to high five you. He's such a child at times.

But he's a little bit distracted by a red haired consultant. I don't quite know what he sees in her other than the physical but he appears to be in love. Poor boy has it bad. You'll have this to come one day. Though not for a good number of years. I wonder what you'll be like, whether you'll be the boy who all the girls fall for.

Time has passed so quickly that it seems mad that you'll be here so soon. The weeks have slipped by, the weeks when we feared for you because we hadn't reached the safe point, then the weeks until you would be considered viable if you were to be born and now there is the countdown to the big event, the day you come. I hope you behave and come on time. I'm not sure I could handle going over my due date.

Each day that brings me that bit closer to you arriving, I feel just that little bit sadder. Your mum is so excited and anxious to meet you but I am terrified. Terrified of the moment I have to say goodbye to you. It doesn't help that so many people here don't know our story. They don't know that I am not going on maternity leave. That I won't leave my job because I cannot bear to leave the child I carry. They don't know that you are not mine.

I am struggling so hard though, not to love you. It's near impossible when you are growing inside me. I have tried for so long but now I feel I have failed. You have wormed your way in. This is what I feared the most.

Please be gentle with me for these coming weeks nobody. I need you take it easy on me.

Love

Mo


	12. Letter Twelve

**Nearly at the end now (though I'm kinda tempted to do a sort of continuation). Thank you to anyone reading / reviewing and I hope this is ok.**

Dear Nobody,

You've dropped. You're now low in my body and I know that it means you are nearly ready to be born. It's our little secret though for now ok? I'm not ready for anyone to know. They will start to worry, they'll want me to go down to maternity ready for your arrival but I don't want it to be that time. Not yet.

I'm not ready. Going to maternity means the beginning of the end, it brings closer the moment when I hand you over forever. It brings forward the moment when you become anothers. The moment when you cease to be a part of my body, and become only hers.

How do I say goodbye to you? There are no words for that. You have grown beneath my heart. The only being in this world to know what my heart sounds like from the inside. You have kicked the walls of my uterus and punched me and yet I have still loved you; I have rubbed affectionately those places which you have battered.

You have squeezed my organs closer together to accommodate your growth. Your being has changed my body in to something unfamiliar and strange and yet it is incredible. To see how the shape of you has changed me, how each week my body has become different in line with your development. To some it is beautiful, to see a woman ripe with child but to me it has become a thing of sadness. The way you have ripened my body, has brought forward the date at which you leave me.

I will miss you baby boy. I will miss the moments we have shared together. The little secrets we share. For nearly nine months we have been one. You the lodger and me the host. But it has become more than that. You became a part of me, something more than I could have imagined.

I can feel the beginnings of contractions. A hand squeezing me, getting ready to push you free. I close my eyes against them and try to ignore them. I am not ready for this. I am not ready for to arrive. I am not ready for the goodbye.

Baby boy. I need a few more days.

I love you.

Mo


	13. Letter Thirteen

**For now this is the end :) I hope you've enjoyed reading it - and I am grateful to everyone who has. I hope this is ok :)**

Dearest baby,

You are here. A real live infant with a mewling cry. You didn't listen to my pleas. Instead you came, quickly in to this world. Your mum was not here. She missed your arrival. Instead you were greeted by a woman who could not dare hold you and placed in to the arms of the red haired consultant who supported me through my labour.

The first person to hold you was not the person whose heart you grew beneath, or the woman whose heart you have held since before you were even a fertilised zygote. Instead you were held by a woman known for cold heartedness, who is loved by Jonny and disliked by many more. I think you liked her though. Maybe you thought she was me. But you were settled against her, and she softened with you in her arms.

I wanted you in my arms. Never, ever think that I didn't want to hold you, to kiss you, to feel the weight of you against me rather than inside me. But I couldn't. If they had placed you on me, I never would have wanted to let go, and you weren't mine to hold forever.

I didn't even see your face, not properly. But I know you were beautiful. I know you, like I have known no other. I felt you grow within me, I heard your heartbeat (on a sonicaid Jonny 'borrowed' from maternity) and I felt your hiccoughs and movements. I don't need to see you to know your beauty; because I have felt it for so many months.

She has told me of you. She described your features, in soft tones. She was more muted and hushed with you in her arms and I know what she was thinking. How could I say goodbye to somebody like you? The reality was I didn't need to say goodbye because I never really said hello to you. You can't say goodbye without a hello. So I didn't greet you when you arrived in this world to prevent the goodbye.

You are gone now. You're mum has taken you, and is caring for you and loving you. They called me mum a few times. A word that tore at my heart. I am not mum. I am nobody's mum. But you are nobody. You were my nobody. But now you are somebody's son. You are my friend's baby boy.

Somewhere you are settled against her, comforted by the sound of her beating heart beneath your head. She will rock and sway with you against her, movements to soothe you. She will dance with you in her arms, as I danced with you in my belly.

I miss you already. My body feels empty without you. There are no kicks or squirms inside me because you are no longer there. I am once again one person rather than two. I am just me again. I do not have to worry about my actions affecting the second life growing within me. The only consequences now are for myself.

Be happy little nobody. I wish you love and happiness. I hope that you know a piece of you will be with me forever; the little nobody who lodged in my womb. I hope a part of me stays with you; the beat of my heart which soothed you to sleep for so many months.

I want the best for you and I know she will give you everything you could want. She will love you more than life itself. And maybe one day you will come to me. Maybe one day you will come to see the woman who carried you within her, and I can say hello to you properly without the fear of the goodbye.

I love you little one.

Forever and always

Mo


End file.
